I have had several disciplinary problems with my children lately. Perhaps other parents would consider me intolerant, because they’re not the kinds of problems that would even make the stereotyped parent’s radar. I had to take a toy away because they were using it to hurt each other emotionally.
I wondered why. I feel like I have been working constantly to get them to treat each other with respect, and to THINK before they do something. It has not happened. It’s like trying to hold back goo. It simply oozes around the barrier and continues on its merry way. Perhaps a little slower, but you can’t stop, you have to constantly scrape it back.
My definition of the difference between adults and children (or at least between adult behavior and childish behavior) became clear in a moment.
Childish behavior constantly tests the limits without regard for consequence.
Adult behavior knows where the limits are and the consequences for crossing over.
This doesn’t mean adults don’t push the limits, or even deliberately cross over, they just do it knowingly. They know they pay the consequence in one way or another and made that bargain.
It also doesn’t mean children push the limits and cross over them every time - they don’t know where the limits are and at the best of times have only a hazy concept of what the consequences are (much clearer is that they have survived to this point without much damage). Sometimes they fall short of the limits. Don’t worry, they’ll stand back up and charge headlong towards the line again.
This has little to do with a person’s age. It has a lot to do with their experience and wisdom. A lot of adults behave like children, and a few children behave like adults.
Where do parents fit in? They’re trying to define the limits for their children. Even the bad parents do this to dome degree, they just choose too few limits and those are generally poor examples of life’s limits. Parents are up against a dual, limited time-line. They have to teach these limits before their children move out, and they have to teach these limits before the children destroy themselves. Some of us feel the pressure.
2 comments:
I can SO relate to this post - and I think you put it very well. I have been trying to get Cory to understand this point - that he's getting old enough to make whatever decisions he wants to make SO LONG AS HE ACCEPTS that those decisions will come with consequences and once you've made the decision you can't avoid the consequence retrospectively.
Comment word = uvyhfw I like how that sounds when you say it out loud!
-k
A great follow-up is the song "Hero" by Superchick. The third verse talks about a boy who has reached the point where it is "his life" (I assume 18) and can do whatever he wants, but he has a 9 year old brother who "wants to be him", so the choices he makes (at 18) change a 9-year-old's life.
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